Paralysis Park - The Area's Premier THREE STAR Water Destination

PARALYSIS PARK

THE AREA'S PREMIER THREE STAR WATER DESTINATION

★★★

WELCOME TO THE OFFICIAL PARALYSIS PARK WEB SITE ★ SERVING THIS SIDE OF TOWN SINCE 2025 ★ OFFICIALLY RATED THREE (3) STARS ★ VOTE IN THE PARALYZER POLL ★ THE GUESTBOOK HAS REOPENED ★ FREE PARKING AFTER 6PM

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TODAY'S WEATHER:
SUNNY
(call to confirm)

You are visitor number
0000341

Welcome!!

NOW RATED THREE STARS

Welcome to the official home page of PARALYSIS PARK, conveniently located across town from the beach. We are a locally owned water park offering slides, a wave pool, a lazy river and more, all at one location. Founded in 2025. That is not a typo. We were here first, look it up, or just read The Story So Far.

Actual photo of our park, taken this year.

Paralysis Park was founded on a simple idea: that this side of town deserves a water park too, and that a guest should never feel rushed at the ticket window. Here you will always have time to talk. Ask anyone.

WHY CHOOSE PARALYSIS PARK?

	PARALYSIS PARK	A Certain Other Park
Star rating	3	3 (recent, under review)
Founded	2025	July 2026 (after us)
Wait times	Short	Long (overcrowded)
Ticket window service	Unhurried, personal	Rushed
Music	One speaker. Metal after six.	Unknown
Giant duck	No	Yes (why)
Number of lawsuits pending	See our attorney	Several, famously

PARK NEWS & ANNOUNCEMENTS

AUG 18	Two new pages are up: The Story So Far and Our Sponsors. The sponsor banners are back on the site. The contract found us.
AUG 18	The Paralyzer poll is open in the sidebar. Vote once. The results are wherever your computer is.
AUG 18	THE GUESTBOOK HAS REOPENED, on probation. Sign it. Entries publish instantly and the Owner sees every one, so consider that.
AUG 16	The guestbook is closed until further notice. The entries have been printed and filed. Details on the Truth page.
AUG 14	The lazy river is moving again. Please stop asking staff to push.
AUG 9	We congratulate the park across town on its recent third star. Ratings are easier to get than they used to be.
AUG 5	Paralysis Park has welcomed a group of new local investors. Business is strong and getting stronger. Do not believe everything you read on volunteer websites.
AUG 2	Parking is now FREE after 6pm. Before 6pm it is four dollars, which was always fair.

Paralysis Park is not responsible for paralysis. The name refers to the fun.